While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize