my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
