even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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