When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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