I CAN MOONWALK!
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
