the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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