Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
