After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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