Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
