I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I pour the whiskey from now on
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
