I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
