A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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