my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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