Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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