He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
sex in a hospital.. check
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
