No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I take back everything I said about communal showers
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize