I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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