I bet he comes in French.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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