I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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