you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
