I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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