When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
