You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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