please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
