i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Randomize
