i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
