uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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