so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
please come you make the beer taste better
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
