White coat. Heels.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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