Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
