my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Boobs speak an international language.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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