he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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