Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
