At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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