I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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