Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
