Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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