mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
