When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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