My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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