I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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