My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
