and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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