I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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