I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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