Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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