I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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