Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
