just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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