highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
