In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
the liver wants what the liver wants
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize