Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Sorry my hands just texted you
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
