I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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