i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Pants are for mortals
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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