he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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