I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
