Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize