it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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