I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize