I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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