i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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