dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
